Every single time, without fail, it happens. I can't control it. A word, look or gesture sparks the tears and they fall for hours, never ending it seems. Memories flood my brain and stream down my cheeks. It use to be what brought so much happiness in my life and now it's the source of all pain and hurt. I keep telling myself I'm over it, but the next time the tears come again. My only comfort is that with time it will end...or so they say.
Birch Bay, to be exact, is gorgeous. The bay--at low tyde--receeds atleast 1/4-1/2 a mile out. This is ideal for clamming and crabbing. The clams here are the size of footballs! There are trees everywhere, and everything is sooo green. The locals are nice and entertaining. We're heading to Vancouver today, which is 10 miles at most from here. I'm so excited. We're scheduled to go to San Juan islands tomorrow, with sailing the afternoon away while watching whales and grilling our catch of the afternoon. The ocean is my favorite place on earth. It's so peacefull, relaxing and soothing to me. Well, my family's calling to head to Canada. Bye!
I pass her street on my way to work every day. I can't help myself from looking too see if they're outside, thinking maybe I'll stop and say hi. Today they were. They were outside on the lawn. I drove right by their house and I couldn't make myself stop; I just kept driving and waved. I don't think they even realized it was me.
I never imagined that people could be friends with me just because they needed something I had to offer--a ride, money, food. But, I've finally seen what everyone else has been saying for the past 5.5 years. She's my friend whenever she's in trouble and needs my help. I have nothing left to offer her; she has everything. Our friendship ended all too dramatically after I introduced them. It makes me sick to look back and see all the clues, all the times she was never there, all the times she ditched, all the lies, all the times I was just a necessary driver, or checkbook. It hurts the most, though, to realize she barely even remembers me.
Mostly, though, I'm too attached to her family. They're growing up without me, they're moving on. Moving on. What kind of a concept is that? Letting go and forgetting the ones you love, the days filled with laughter, the long nights crying, the memories.
I gave her one last chance tonight, and she failed miserably. I'm just that one girl she did stuff with. I'll let go and move on eventually. But for now I'll find a different route to work--one that doesn't involve driving past her street.
They were so happy planning their life together. Everything seemed to fall into place. The timing was perfect, they were perfect. I doubt I'll ever find a happier couple. They had their rough spots, though. They had worked through everything leading up to this. But those spots made their relationship stronger, firmer, deeper. But this was... just too much for them. They couldn't go through with it, they couldn't work it out. It all ended. The love they shared turns into hurt. The memories of the happiest times in their lives are frowned upon, shoved into the back of their minds and slowly forgotten. Pictures are burned, only ashes remain from their love. Can it be molded back? Back to normal? Or can they heal? Learn to love again? Experience tells me no. Experience tells me one more wall is erected the minute it's official. Defenses are guarded more and more every day. The gap in their hearts that was previously filled by each other remains a hole never to be filled again. It proves a constant reminder of the hurt, the joy, the hate, the love, the time given to another and then shoved back, useless. Depression creeps in, slowly over taking their bodies and minds. They're fruitless at work, at home, at life. It's hard not to let it get to you. It's hard seeing the person I admire most just wanting to sleep, not talking, not feeling, not living. The person with so much charisma and so much wisdom sit with tear stained cheeks, puffy eyes, a broken heart and fighting to smile anyway. Lessons can be learned, I guess. What not to do, what to change. Change is for the better, they say. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.
Going back there seemed so...right. But I never dreamed it could feel so cold, so bitter. Old friendships have hardened, shattered, and lay lifeless on the cold wood. The ones I helped and loved so much now despise me and what I did for them. The orchestrator of lies smiles down as the reality sets in. Tears stream down as anxiety seizes my body and mind. The faces run together, demanding me to leave. They will never welcome me with open arms again. They will never hear what really happened. They will never believe the man they all trust so much could cause so much pain, so much damage, so much hurt. But I can. I do, because it happened to me. Never again will I tread where love once bloomed.
Wanting what you have, or having what you want?
Wanting what you can't have, or having what you don't want?
Which is better?
I remember now why I stopped taking real estate classes. BORING! I took an 8 hour block today. The first 4 hours were designated to Agency. This consists of all the ways you can get sued and screw up, basically. It's informative, but the instructor was all about money. I guess that's what Real Estate is, right?
The next 4 hours were on Finance. Oh wow. If my instructor wasn't as bubbly and expressive as she was, I would have certainly fallen asleep 10 minutes in. This discussed all the different types of loans, rates, blah blah blah. Ugh.
I don't know how I'm going to survive the other 82 hours of classes.
I could make a ton of money being a real estate agent. In 5 years, if this was my sole effort, I could be making AT LEAST 500 grand a year. But is that what I want?
I'm doing really well in chemistry, and I love it. Ugh. Financially secure or do what I love? I thought people made this choice as a mid-life crisis. I'm only 19!!!
We'll see, I guess...
A post for Adam to keep him entertained at work. But everyone can read. :D
Things on my mind:
1) The daunting task of writing thank you notes to my professors who wrote letters of recommendations for me and the departments/chairs who awarded me things. After all, what do I say? Thanks for writing nice things and picking me? Meh, it'll be classy. I just have to think of what to say first.
2) My special project for Quantitative Analysis. In the past, people have conducted literally life altering experiments. And my idea currently has to deal with how much crap--including water--is in gasoline and how that affects cars. I need a new idea.
3) If/when to move home. Some days I love it up here. Some days I hate it. Ugh.
4) The fact that my car is out of gas, but everytime I drive by a gas station I think, "Wow, prices have gone up and I'm so not going to pay $3.25 per gallon." So, I keep driving.
5) My dad thinks I should get married. Or, have a serious relationship. I'm fine with a relationship, in fact I would love one. But how serious are we talking here? I'm not ready to start popping out kids. But someone who compliments me, and whom I compliment would be wonderful.
6) My first year at college. I've changed, matured, and experienced a lot more than expected. I can't say if it's for better or worse. But I've changed. I've relaxed a lot, and stressed more about school than my entire life combined. I've pulled off a lot, and have been offered incredible opportunities. I've missed out on a lot of fun, and had a lot of fun. There are things I would never, ever do again, and then things I would want to relive over and over. The best part is, I look back and smile.
7) Why there is a $1.00 on my debit card when I haven't used it today.
8) Whether or not I should drive to Lehi to watch the Jazz game at Jess' Bishop's home. I spose I shall. I have nothing else to do, except homework, work, writing thank you notes and sleeping. Off to Lehi!
With Loni's help, I was able to convince my parents yesterday that I should live in the Crocker Science house next year! So, I sent in my acceptance letter and now I just wait and see if I get a single or double room! w00t!! I finished all of my finals, and I'm pleasantly surprised with my grades this semester, considering the effort I put into school these past weeks.
Last night was weird. I don't know how else to describe it, and I'm way too tired to relay the events.
In that light, I'ma go take a nap. :)
So, earlier in the semester an adviser requested that I apply for the Crocker Science House. In case you don't know, it's a house on Officer's Circle that houses 12 science, engineering and mathematic majors . If you are accepted, they give you $1,000 and the rates for both meal plans and living expenses are quite reasonable in my mind. It actually works out to be less than what I'm paying monthly living off campus right now. And, I bet you guessed it. I just found out today that I'm accepted!!! I'm sooooo stoked. All of my hard work has paid off, literally! Now, I just have to convince my parents that I won't be living in sin if I live there next year, since it's mixed housing. *sigh*